Let me start off by saying two things. One, this is 100% just my experience and I speak for nobody else. And two, I feel anxious about posting this but this is my blog and the one person I know in real life who knows about this blog also knows about what I’m going to talk about. So.
Let me also lay my cards on the table and say that I’ve really got nothing figured out yet, but I’m gonna talk about the fact that I have been and am questioning my gender and the labels that best help me understand my gender.
We can work backwards. The past few weeks, I’ve been having pretty incessant thoughts about my gender identity. I’ve been thinking about the possibility of putting they/them pronouns out there as an option for people to use for me in addition to she/her.
I know I certainly am a girl, but lately I’ve been thinking that it’s not so cut and dry for me. I identify with many female things, but I also feel happy being called “sir” and I felt really right today when I referred to myself as a “gentleman”. I don’t feel like a man at all, but rather quite gender neutral sometimes.
For about six or eight months now, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with my chest and using other words besides “chest” to describe my own chest has started to cause a lot of dysphoria for me. It’s partly a disconnection, like what feels like an objective sort of feeling that it shouldn’t be there, but also a discomfort, a deep and personal feeling of “get these off of me”, I guess. I’ve considered binding but right now I can’t afford a good binder.
I actually had three conversations with a few different people about my chest issues, and all of them took it well. Two of them, however, I felt I had to start with, essentially, “I’m definitely a lady, okay?” I didn’t want those people to look at me and see something in me that they were not going to accept (they’re all Christians, like 90% of the people I’m friends with).
For a long time, I’ve had issues with being called a “woman”. Like, I’m totally okay with being called a girl or a lady, but the word woman in reference to me has felt wrong for a while, years actually. The jury is still out on whether this is related to my gender questioning or if it’s my internalization of how I know society feels about women.
That’s really all I know about my history of questioning my gender. Some of it goes back a while, some of it is very new. I’m going to keep thinking about it, looking into different gender words to see if any of them feels right for me. It’s all sort of scary for me and I know that a lot of people in my life are not going to be accepting, so I’m not going to tell them anything for a while, especially not until I have a better grasp on some of this.
So yeah. That’s where my brain is at right now. Questioning my gender. Terrifying but it also feels really okay to write it down and get it out of the repetitive thought cycle inside my head.