Holidays in my family have rarely been great. There have been many great moments, but there’s always an overarching sense of tension or an argument or two and the whole thing ends up feeling sad and wrong.
Christmas is especially one of those times. My mom has always been concerned about giving as many presents as she can, and yet she somehow always finds a reason to be mad at some point. Maybe we didn’t seem grateful enough. Maybe we didn’t help enough. Maybe we didn’t get her what she wanted. It’s always something.
I used to find solace in knowing that my brothers and sister felt the same way as me, that at least we were together in knowing that our mom was the problem. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. With one brother completely absent from our lives (he couldn’t take any more of what my mother kept doing to him emotionally) and a brother who thinks I’m more the problem than my mom, I don’t really know how this Christmas is going to go.
I wish I could say I was looking forward to tomorrow with hope and joy, but I would be lying if I did. It’s more honest to say that I’m kind of dreading it. I can’t take much more of the yelling or the insults. I shouldn’t have to. Maybe it’ll be different… but I’m not holding my breath.
I know many other people go through situations just like mine and I hope they know they’re not alone. One day, we can (hopefully) all decide to leave our broken families and start new ones of our own, or spend holidays with friends, or maybe even alone, if it makes us happier. This isn’t forever.