On Fixing Broken Things…

This is going to be a little self-pitying, because that’s how I’m feeling right now and if I can’t say that honestly, I’m not being real. I want to be real.

I like to say that you can’t fix something if you don’t know that it’s broken, and you absolutely can’t. Why would you even try? So when, in the course of me trying to do the things that I know need to be done, I find out that I’ve been doing it wrong (or am perceived to have been doing it wrong) this whole time, I get angry. Why wouldn’t you be up front about that? Why wouldn’t you tell me when it first became an issue that you noticed? Why would you wait until the higher-ups come and ask about my progress?

I’m frustrated. I’m heart-broken. I am literally just trying to do the best I can but evidently my best isn’t good enough. The hardest part of all of this is that it didn’t make sense in the first place to put me in this position. I did better academically than so many of my classmates. I excelled in preaching and my previous supervisors had little to nothing bad to say about me. And yet.

This whole thing feels like the worst dream ever. I don’t know when it’s going to end. The hardest part is that it keeps feeling like people are seeing broken things and not telling me so I can fix them. I don’t always think that they’re broken, but at least give me a chance to try! At the end of all of this, if there ever is an end, I want them to look back and realize that they made a mistake. It’s not likely that it’ll happen, but I wouldn’t be upset if they did.

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